I have a friend named Jeff Stout whose mind must be a very scary place. Here's a glimpse of a few misshapen escapees from that scary place.
...they redid Plan 9 with all-new digital effects like Star Wars.
...you could put a toggle bolt in your skull so you could bungee jump right side up.
...they removed all the fecal matter from cat food so you wouldn't need a litter box.
...there were a giant female super villain who caused earthquakes ... named Epilady.
...you could store a TV show by using a cable so long that it takes 30 minutes for electricity to travel through it, then freeze it so the electrons stop moving.
...cars were sloped on both ends so you could drive over them. Then people on the freeway who wanted to go faster could drive on top of the slower cars.
...your tongue were full of toothpaste, so you could just squeeze some out every time you needed to brush your teeth.
"Babies waiting up in heaven are floating around in a big cloud, they're like lemmings, and when they go over the edge it's like a giant pachinko game with women waiting at the bottom."
"People are like Chinese food: 15 minutes after you meet one you want to meet another one."
"Drug use among men must be plummeting compared women, since so many urinals have little "Say No to Drugs" inserts."
"Is 'Yojimbo' like a Spanish version of 'I Claudius'?"
"Whenever I hear 'meteorologist' I think 'meaty urologist'."
(As Lisa was telling the story of her cat getting dirty exploring the chimney.)
Jeff: "If you put a raptor up there, the cat wouldn't climb up."
Lisa: "A velociraptor?"
Jeff: "That would work."
Lisa: "A velociraptor wouldn't fit."
Jeff: "A Shetland velociraptor!"
"That's what happens when you start to learn German. It sees your frontal lobe as the Sudatenland and just takes over."
"Why say with words what you can express with a sound effect?"
"It wasn't a romantic triangle, it was more like a quadrilateral...no, it was more like a pyramid with the girl at the top. Kind of a romantic Amway."
(After 90+ degree weekend weather.) "Any cat owner who didn't shave their cat over the weekend was being needlessly cruel."
"Did you ever suddenly realize that the tendrils of your life were really like long talking earthworms with heads shaped like giant wisks with huge mouths singing old 'Loverboy' songs in a Scooby-Doo voice? And that the people around you are like talking canned hams basted in a cotton/polyester sauce? And that you've never seen your father and Spiro Agnew in the same place at the same time? And that you're being followed by a flock of flying shetland wharf rats whose fur is moussed just like Duran Duran's hair during their 'Rio' period who keep eating all your medication?"
(As the O.J. Simpson trial was winding down.) "I heard somewhere that some ex-football player was recently on trial for murder. I didn't catch the name, but I heard he was some sort of TV personality. So I'm guessing maybe Fran Tarkenton?"
"I have a plan to end world peace in our time. It requires the front fender from a '57 Chevy, five pounds of Spam®, and a copy of Yertle the Turtle."
"If I die before my mother, I want to be buried in a pink chiffon dress just because it will freak her out."
"I've had an unwrapped Twinkie on my desk for 6 1/2 years. It's unchanged except for being faded on the side that faces the window, and up until a few years ago the 'creamy filling' was still soft."
...many things intended to offend the easily offended. So in doing my part to keep the Net clean (without any help from the evil Communications Decency Act), you may decide if you want to read the naughty bits.
Jeff is the author of the Society of the Rusting TARDIS Newsletter, parts of which can be seen on the Society of the Rusting TARDIS Web page. Parts of Jeff can be seen on occasional Saturdays when KBTC Tacoma Channel 28 runs a pledge drive.
27 Nov 1997